How to Stop Depending on Other People's Approval
Epictetus describes a musician who is confident while playing alone and anxious before an audience. The musician knows how to play. What troubles him is his desire for applause.
His skill concerns the performance. Applause depends on the listeners. He has trained for one task while making his satisfaction depend on another. Discourses 2.13
The same difficulty can arise when you present work, meet someone new, or disagree with a person whose opinion matters to you.
You may begin by wanting to explain something accurately. Then you start trying to appear intelligent. You leave out a necessary qualification because it weakens the performance. You agree with a point you think is wrong because disagreement might cost you approval.
The desire for a favorable response has begun to determine your conduct.
Epictetus asks you to examine what you think that approval gives you. Does being praised make a careless argument sound? Does being disliked make an honest statement false?
This leaves room for criticism. Another person may notice an error that you have missed. Their knowledge may exceed yours. Taking a correction seriously is part of caring about the quality of your judgment.
The difficulty begins when you want to be approved of regardless of whether the approval is deserved.
Imagine that a colleague criticizes a report you wrote. You could ask which claim is mistaken and examine the evidence. You could also spend the conversation defending your reputation without investigating the report at all.
The second response protects an appearance while leaving the work untouched.
Before your next presentation or difficult conversation, decide what the task requires. Perhaps you need to explain a decision, admit an error, or ask a question you do not understand. Keep that requirement clear enough to recognize when the wish to impress begins replacing it.
Afterward, review your conduct. Did you speak accurately? Did you listen? Did you conceal anything to produce a favorable impression?
Those questions remain available even when the audience gives you no applause.