Stoicism and Anger: When Someone Insults You
Someone speaks contemptuously to you. You feel the urge to answer in kind.
Before deciding what to say, consider what you think their words have done.
Have they made an accusation that needs an answer? Have they exposed an actual fault? Have they spoken falsely? Or are you treating their contempt as something that lowers your worth unless you retaliate?
Epictetus asks the student to gain time before being carried away by the appearance of an insult. The pause makes examination possible. Enchiridion 20
His account of wrongdoing also matters here. People act according to what appears advantageous or right to them, even when that judgment is mistaken. Understanding the mistake gives a different basis for responding than assuming that hatred will correct it. Discourses 1.28
This does not make dishonesty or cruelty acceptable. In Epictetus’s account, injustice damages the person who acts unjustly. Your response presents a further question about your own conduct. Their wrongdoing does not make a dishonest or cruel response good. Discourses 4.5
Suppose a colleague falsely takes credit for your work. A considered response might involve setting out the facts and seeking a correction. You would need to decide whom to address, what evidence to provide, and what remedy is appropriate.
Trying to humiliate the colleague may interfere with that task. It introduces another aim: making them suffer because you have suffered.
A quiet manner does not settle the issue. Epictetus also criticizes people who pursue revenge coldly and persistently. The absence of an outburst can conceal the same destructive purpose. Fragment 12
Before replying, identify the action you are considering and its purpose. Would it correct something, protect a responsibility, or communicate what needs to be said? What part of it is intended simply to punish?
You may still need to speak firmly. Examine what you intend your firmness to accomplish.