Caring About Someone Without Controlling Them
A father tells Epictetus that he left his sick daughter because he could not bear to remain beside her.
He presents his distress as evidence of affection. Epictetus examines that claim. If everyone who loved the child left for the same reason, who would remain to care for her?
The father’s feeling does not settle whether his action was affectionate. His conduct must also be considered. Discourses 1.11
This is an important part of Epictetus’s teaching about relationships. Another person’s condition and decisions are not yours to command. Yet your relationship to them gives you reasons to act.
In Discourses 2.10, he asks the student to consider the responsibilities carried by being a human being, a family member, and a citizen. His particular examples reflect the hierarchies of his society. Applying the argument today requires examining our actual responsibilities rather than assuming every ancient social arrangement should be reproduced. Discourses 2.10
Consider a friend making a decision you think is harmful.
You may have reason to explain your concern, offer assistance, or decline to participate. Their agreement remains their own. Repeating yourself more forcefully does not turn their judgment into yours.
There is also something to examine in your own concern. Are you trying to help them understand the situation? Are you trying to remove your discomfort at their disagreement? Are you making continued goodwill conditional on being obeyed?
Epictetus connects friendship with our judgments about what is good. When possessions or status become our overriding interest, affection becomes vulnerable to competition over them. People who seem devoted can become hostile when something they prize stands between them. Discourses 2.22
The examination therefore runs in both directions. What does care require here? And what desire of your own might be distorting it?
You cannot guarantee that your friend will choose well. You can consider whether your own words and intentions are reasonable, honest, and consistent with the relationship you claim to value.